Steel Roses and Nightmares

If one day I must go, if someday I am forced to leave the scene of history, I will slam the door behind me so hard that the universe will shake and mankind will stand back in stupefaction.

The above quote was shown to me by an acquaintance, and I immediately adopted it as my own.

Then my life fell apart.

Not your average, run of the mill falling apart, oh no, I'd never be that lucky. Instead, it was...bad. Really bad. The kind of bad that leaves you mentally and emotionally crippled and you try not to think back on, even years later. The kind of bad you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I don't feel as if I came out of it stronger or more capable, though I have new insights on despair I would have been just as happy to have lived without. I cannot say even that I came out of it changed for the better, because the wounds it left are deep.

But I can say I came out of it myself.


"If you never get close to a person, that's the only real way to avoid drama. We care about people, therefore, there's always going to be drama."
--Winter Arcane


I also rediscovered what I already knew, that the quote still embodies much of what I believe about life. Don't just make a noise, shake down the heavens. Don't just speak your mind, move others to hope, to passion, to life and light. Don't just walk through life and survive it, live it, relish it, devour it whole. Make everyone recall your smile, your warmth, or even, if appropriate, your wrath. Don't just survive this life, make a swath through it even the gods will see and bow down before in awe. And when you leave, make sure the memories you leave behind are those you would want others to have.

And live.

This will scare some, and cause others to hate you. And you'll find people choosing to see you their way, to fit you into their molds and ideas of what they think you should be rather than seeing who you really are. And people will judge you on that, and many will dismiss you because of it. They have me, and at times its broken my heart. I will not tell you you'll be the stronger for it, nor will I tell you those people are not the good people you thought they were. Chances are, you wont feel stronger, just sad, and often it is good people who can do the worst things, often without malice or even intent.

However, I will say these people are not worthy of you.
Never forget that.


"People who embrace alternative lifestyle/hobby choices need to face reality and accept that, by doing something out of the mainstream, it's going to make a lot of people laugh and raise their eyebrows. It comes with territory, so just accept it...or abandon your interests in favor of an uncontroversial, vanilla-pudding existence that won't incite mockery. It's a choice we all get to make."
- Dawn Taylor


Who am I?

Feh. I have never been good at these ten-word-or-less bios, as you can plainly see.

I am a wordy, verbose little femme who, of late, has little to say. I am done with drama--which is an ironic thing to say in a place like LiveJournal, I know. I just want less of it in my life, and have worked to have it that way.

These days I lift my face to the wind for its sweet scents and watch as the flowers bravely bloom even in the heart of winter. I play with my cats, remain about twenty pounds overweight, and keep trying to become a full time writer. I enjoy music more than should legally be allowed and have lived my entire life in love with The Story (TM). If we met in person I could not describe your face or recall your name, but I could re-tell your stories word-perfect, even twenty years later.

I am passionate, a little confused, and an introvert. This means I do such things as jump out of planes for rape awareness, play in roller derby, and make cross country moves just because I feel my life needs a good jump start. On the flip side, it also means I enjoy spending my time in smaller groups of people or just one on one and rarely go to parties anymore. My idea of a good time is me and the wind and the open ocean, not New Year's Day in Times Square. I think a lot, over analyze most situations, and can say some very wise things while still knowing absolutely nothing about life.


"We all know that the state can't give you free speech and the state can't take it away. You are all born with it, like your eyes and your ears... Freedom is something that you assume, then you wait for somebody to try to take it away from you. The degree to which you resist is the degree to which you are free."
--Utah Phillips

Things you need to know before going further:

This is my journal. This might be a public forum, but I still reserve the right to put my private thoughts and feelings here, uncensored. If you cant handle that, go away.

This journal is many things. In many ways it is first and foremost my dumping grounds. I am a very tempestuous person, and I realize that. If I am not careful or I hold everything in, I wind up saying or doing stupid things, so rather than doing them in real life, I often do them here. I may not think about what is said here ever again, or even care a month from now about the issue that had me screaming. But I do reserve my right to scream.

Yes, people have judged me "a bad person" on this basis alone, that my bad, evil thoughts found expression in a public forum. I know this because I have met some of these people in person, and they were always surprised by the "in person" me, who can be a lot different than the "journal" me. I am more uncertain, studiously polite, a lot more shy, and, apparently, a lot more likable.

*shrug* It happens. Can't please everyone all the time.

Thing is, my words aren't just cathartic for me, but for others as well. Its why I kept talking, even when other people censured me for it. I talk less these days--like I said, I just have less to say. But I still do talk from time to time, and I may try to jump start the 'ol journal. Its hard to put away a project that was this long in the making. However, I would like to make the posts less stream-of-consciousness.

I'm also given to longer posts and sometimes some very bad spelling.
Tough. Deal.

If you aren't ready to run screaming yet, welcome. :)


"If there was a better way to go then it would find me. / I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me. / Be kind to me, or treat me mean; I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine."
--Fiona Apple